better lands
by princess estellise
Summary: Zelos makes maps of her in his mind, so that when he needs to run away again, he knows where to go. - ZelosColette.


_better lands_

. .

( zelos makes maps of her in his mind, so that when he needs to run away again, he knows where to go. - zelos and colette, the broken ones )

disclaimed.

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He finds her by the ocean one night, her feet buried deep in the sand, her long hair cascading over her shoulders, and he thinks she is beautiful, the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, an - angel. (They could not have picked a better Chosen than Colette; Colette with her bright blue eyes, Colette with her endless love of the world and all of its ugliness, Colette who smiles when she wants to cry, Colette, Colette, Colette.) He clears his throat, startles her. She meets his gaze and doesn't smile.

He understands. _Martel_, he understands.

"Zelos," she says, and her voice is small, wavering; she is twenty-three years old and she - she looks so much older in this moment, gaunt and weary and tired, with dark circles under her shining (what is shining in past-tense?) eyes. Zelos watches her calmly, feels chaotic and everywhere and nowhere, and finds his way to her, sits down next to her and doesn't search for her eyes any longer. He looks to the ocean, where his ashes are spread, floating on the surface of the waters, sinking, and he wordlessly takes Colette's hand in his and holds it tightly, so tightly she cannot let go.

"Don't - take your own life," Colette says, and Zelos startles, turns to face her. She squeezes his hand and takes a shaking breath.

"Why - " he begins, cutting himself short and then trying again, "Why would I do that?"

Colette laughs but it is sad, small. Zelos watches her, lost, and she says, "You're so sad. You've always been..._so_ sad." Her eyes are shimmering and she exhales slowly, as though ridding her body of his sadness so he doesn't have to, "And I...I feel so _hopeless_, too, Zelos, so I can't imagine what you must be feeling." Zelos likes this about Colette, her naivete, her honesty - no one in the two worlds is honest anymore, not even - (he thinks of his face but not his name).

"You go, I follow," Zelos whispers, maybe to her and maybe to himself. Colette closes her eyes, briefly.

"He wouldn't like it if we died, too," Colette says, matter-of-fact, "He would say, 'keep on living', wouldn't he?" Colette opens her eyes, pauses. "But for the first time, Zelos, I...don't know if I want to." The words are heavy, so heavy, that they sink down into his heart, become a holding place for his sadness. Zelos feels so much and so little and has always depended on Colette to - to balance him, and now she's so unbalanced, teetering on the edge, and he has to be the one to keep her steady.

"Find something to live for," Zelos finally whispers. There is a hesitation. "Let me be something to live for."

Colette nods.

. .

They run away together one night, run until the stars swallow them whole, until they are so far away from the world that they no longer exist. They find each other, their personal escape, and Zelos makes maps of her in his mind, with the tips of his fingers, so that when he needs to run away again, he - he knows where to go.

Zelos traces her veins, wraps himself around her, and her skin glows in the moonlight, casts an aura. She breathes evenly, eyes closed, but Zelos cannot settle his beating heart, and then cannot shake the reality that her true love's heart is no longer beating, that her true love is somewhere in the ocean, in the wind. Zelos hopes - maybe prays for one of the first times in his entire life - that his ashes keep him alive, somehow, that he is watching them and he understands why they need each other, that he doesn't hate Zelos for it.

Colette shifts in her sleep, curls into herself and Zelos - he quietly weeps.

. .

She is quiet in the morning, an almost silence settling over them. The return to the world and Zelos feels as though everyone is disappointed, that this angel is - not an angel anymore. Colette is still an angel to Zelos, will always be selfless and beautiful and righteous, but she always feels distant, far away. She has departed and Zelos cannot follow her there, wherever there is.

When they return home, to Raine and Genis and Sheena and Regal and Persea, Raine radiates disappointment, and then anger; Colette falls into her arms and hugs her too tightly and Zelos knows - he knows he's ruined her, has crushed the petals of the most extravagant flower, and that the flower knows, too, that everyone knows. Zelos retires to his room and Raine comes in late the same night, hits him so hard across his cheek that he sees stars.

"How could you?" She hisses, and Zelos stares at her, crumbles a little. Raine softens, sets her mouth into a thin line and shakes her head. "You fool. You tried to hurt her and you ended up hurting yourself." And maybe Zelos _was_ trying to hurt her, to make her feel as guilty and sad and broken as he does, but he thinks he did it because he wants her, loves her so much that he can hardly function. Zelos is so tired of the weight on his shoulders, tired of standing up only to be knocked over again. Raine hurts _for_ him, for all of them, blinks a few times to - hold back tears, maybe.

"Professor, you're too soft for your own good." Zelos gives her a wry smile. She presses her hand to his cheek, wordlessly heals his wound.

. .

"I'm sorry."

Zelos expected to say so first, but Colette beats him at his own game, apologizes with tears shining in her eyes and her lower lip trembling.

"I'm so sorry, Zelos, I - I'm - I can't do _anything_ right." She shakes as she speaks, an earthquake encroaching inside of her body, building in her vessels and threatening to split her in two. "I'm so - lost, I don't know what to do, where to go, he used to tell me - _Lloyd_, he - " she heaves, burying her face in her palms, trying to calm herself. Zelos reaches for her, barely brushes her skin before she dives into his arms, body aching for comfort, for something to hold onto.

"Colette," Zelos says, breathless, heart hammering against his ribcage, "I'm so sorry, it's - not your fault," he manages, maybe thinking it will calm her, will change things, will _help_, "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault." Zelos presses her close to him, holds her.

"I want so badly to give up," Colette whispers. Zelos knows that it is her greatest secret, that she trusts him a great deal to admit it. To admit that her life is nothing without Lloyd in it. That Lloyd is - was - the only thing keeping her going. Zelos realizes then that Colette is weak, weaker than she has ever seemed, weaker than she might ever admit.

"You go, I follow," Zelos reminds her, and Colette stills in his arms, settles her rapid heart.

"Please," Zelos says, voice breaking, "don't go."

. .

He might've liked to have been buried next to his mother.

This occurs to Zelos on a rainy morning while Colette sleeps, her head on Zelos' thighs, blonde hair splayed like a halo around her soft face. They are in Meltokio, in Zelos' mansion, and it is cold and dark and - empty. No longer lived in. (He takes her there because the house reminds him of himself, of her - empty and craving for someone to fill that endless void.) He stares at years of unopened gifts and the dark fireplace and feels like - he should be mourning. Feels like it is normal, acceptable, to mourn while in mourning.

Zelos leans against the back of the couch, ponders. Maybe Lloyd would've liked to be with Anna. A tomb next to hers, buried so close to her that somehow their skeleton hands would reach out and grasp each other, hold on for all eternity. Zelos thinks of his mom and then doesn't - he wants to be ashes, wants to travel when he dies but doesn't really want to die.

Colette's eyes open, a bright blue peaking from under her bangs, and without thinking Zelos leans down and brushes his lips to hers, feels her eyelashes flutter over his cheek like a butterfly. When he pulls back she smiles a small smile, just a small quirk of her lips at each corner, but for a moment she looks so happy, blissful and half-asleep and she - she's so pretty when she smiles that Zelos almost thinks that her constant frown doesn't do her any justice at all, that it makes her normal instead of incredible. He stares at her, watches until her lips return to a soft line, her vision clears.

"Do you think," Zelos begins, seamlessly shifting to a different subject, "that Lloyd might have...wanted something different? Wanted to be buried?"

Colette furrows her brow, cocking her head slightly on his lap. "I think Lloyd would've wanted to go on another adventure." Colette seems - sure, and it's nice to hear it from someone like her, because she knew Lloyd better than she knows herself.

"Death must be a great adventure," Zelos muses, threading his fingers through Colette's hair.

She smiles again, eyes soft, and it feels like a victory.

. .

"This isn't okay, Zelos. What you're doing with her." Sheena is sitting across from him at his dining table, fiddling with the handle of her mug. "We both know you're just - latching onto her because you're both lonely." Sheena removes her slender fingers from the handle, lays her hands together on her lap. "...I honestly thought you were better than this." Zelos notes that it seems almost difficult for Sheena to say this, notices she doesn't meet his gaze.

"She's - probably hurting me more, at this point," Zelos says, laughing at a joke that isn't all that funny. "She still loves him, you know. And I'm a - replacement. Maybe not even that, but more of a body. Someone warm."

"Colette isn't that cruel, Zelos," Sheena snaps, setting her jaw.

"No, she isn't," Zelos sighs, dropping his eyes to the table, "I'm making her...sound like it, huh? She's not. It's not on purpose, and accidental cruelty isn't really cruel at all, is it?" There is a long silence. Sheena studies his face and Zelos gazes out the window. He takes a breath. "...It seems selfish, you know, to live without someone you love. Selfish to mourn for them but to continue living, loving, and changing. But even if it is selfish, it's all - mutual selfishness. The whole human race is selfish for living while someone else isn't. But Colette...feels guilty because she's always lived for Lloyd, and now she has to figure out how to live for herself, for other people. She feels like it really _is_ selfish. Like it's unforgivable.

"But I think she knows, deep down, that it's not selfish at all to stop living for the dead. That the dead are _done_ with living, you know? But without Lloyd it's like - there's no light in her eyes anymore. Lloyd was the sparkle in her, and I - almost hate him for it, now, because I want Colette to sparkle for me. And that _is_ selfish, to want someone else to live for you while you're still alive. But I also think that - it kind of works for now, because I need someone to live for me and she needs someone to live for. It's mutual selfishness.

"So, I guess...I'm not better than this. I'm selfish and dependent and - in love with someone who loves a dead man. But at least I _know_ this. I'm only sticking around with Colette until she figures it out, too."

Sheena stares at him for a long, long time, eyes wide and mouth set into a frown. Finally, she sighs, shaking her head and closing her eyes for a brief moment. "Zelos," she begins, and her voice is pitying, breathy, "Please don't kill yourself."

Zelos stares at her for a beat and then laughs.

"She goes, I follow."

. .

It is raining again, a heavy downpour that sounds across the Iselia region, floods the pond near Raine and Genis' home and keeps everyone indoors. Zelos and Colette are not in Iselia, but rather with Dirk, who makes them a kettle of tea and then immerses himself with his work so he doesn't have to think. Zelos and Colette sit up in Lloyd's old room and watch the rain fall until the small river that surrounds the house begins to rise.

"Lloyd and I were caught in the rain, once. When we were younger," Colette says, setting the delicate teacup onto the table by the window, "We were soaked from head to toe and we tramped water all into the house. Dirk was so mad, but he didn't want to cause a scene in front of me, so he just sent us up to Lloyd's room." Colette laughs to herself, fond of the particular memory, and Zelos notices that she's been laughing a lot more, smiling at him when he wraps an arm around her. He thinks that, maybe, there is hope for her. Hope for them - together. "Lloyd was so upset because I had fallen into mud earlier. I remember him demanding I change into some of his spare clothes. I did, and then I went home when the rain stopped and never gave his shirt back. It smelled like him so I - kept it." Colette's expression softens, "It's still in my old room, buried deep in the bottom drawer so no one could find it and wash away his smell. I keep wondering if - it still smells like him, or if I just imagine it does." Colette hesitates, smile sadder, now, "No, it must be my imagination. It's been so long..."

"Colette..." Zelos murmurs, and then her name hangs in the air, heavy. Colette turns to him, looks at him from under her eyelashes. It is sick, maybe, to want her so badly right now, in Lloyd's old room. To want to touch her, hear her say his name while Lloyd's father - one of his fathers - works downstairs. To want it because Colette mentioned Lloyd's name and Zelos wants her to say - Zelos. "Are you still in love with him?" Zelos asks, leaning forward to grasp her hand, to pull her close to him, set her on his lap, together, noses touching.

"I think I must be," Colette says, and she sounds sad, upset with herself for being unable to move on, "But I want to - keep living. For you, Zelos." The sincerity in her voice, in her eyes, is so present that it nearly moves.

Zelos' chest expands. He does not even kiss Colette, here, in such a sacred place.

. .

"Do you think that a love can last forever?" Colette asks him while they are lying on the grass facing the sky, close but not touching. Colette turns her head towards him and Zelos shrugs his shoulders, looks back at the clouds. "I think...that it must. Even when it seems strange to continue loving someone, no matter what, you will always have some kind of love for them. It's odd. And also - wonderful.

"Lloyd, he's - gone, and he isn't coming back, but I think he's watching, making sure we don't stay so sad. That's why there are beautiful days, like today, but there are also rainy days, sad days, so we remember to think of those who we've lost. I think it's good to think of the dead occasionally, but not all the time. It's so much better to - live. To live for the day, for the living, for the goodness in the world.

"I still love Lloyd. He was my first love, but...I've realized that he isn't my last. I love many people. And you, Zelos, I love _you_. I think...that because of you, I realized the difference between life and love. You can't live forever, but you can love forever. And somehow, that is so much more beautiful," Colette finishes, smiling at Zelos on the grass, and Zelos thinks he's - bursting, with joy and love and beauty and it's like nothing he's ever felt, like nothing he has ever been before.

"Colette - you are my whole life," Zelos says, and turns over to wrap an arm around her waist, to kiss her firmly on the lips.

"You go, I follow," she whispers, so they stay.

.

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_fin._


End file.
